Fenrir Greyback Sucks!
by Mr. Cobrah Thunderer
Summary: A black comedy that pokes fun at how relatively unimportant Fenrir Greyback is as a villain in the grand scheme. He blames the media.


In Auror Office of The Ministry of Magic, a list was displayed adjacent to the door of the Head Auror at all times containing the names of all the biggest criminals, deviants, and associated scum to ever be targeted by the Ministry's personal army.

Every once in a while, a criminal name would jump up to the top of that list reappearing in dark red, indicating top priority for those in good favor with the Head Auror at the time. These people were given the title of "Undesirable No. 1" Contenders to receive this dubious "honor" in the past included Gellert Grindelwald, You-Know-Who, Bellatrix Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy, "The Heir of Slytherin" and Sirius Black.

If you notice a trend in these rankings it's only because there is one. All of these less-than-savory characters (with the exception of Malfoy, who curried good favor with Cornelius Fudge; this was a large point of heated debate in Head Auror Scrimgeour's working relationship with his predecessor for Minister of Magic) carried with them a special type of iconography and notoriety only a newspaper article could provide.

Children in Hogwarts were getting petrified willy-nilly, time to figure out the identity of "The Heir of Slytherin." Bellatrix Lestrange officiated the torture of The Longbottoms, put that bitch behind bars. Sirius Black was the first prisoner to ever break out of Azkaban, everyone and their Kneazle better be looking for him. And so on and so forth.

While there were many corrupt people on the streets of London (and, indeed, even within The Ministry itself), these characters had done something particularly special in order to get under the Head Auror's skin, and as such were designated as "Undesirable No. 1." However, the title of Head Auror required far more work involved than simply catching one crook, so it was usually his or her second-in-command's job to oversee the capture of said headline-nabbing nasty.

By the end of 1993, Kingsley Shacklebolt had heard the name "Sirius Black" in relation to his job security and had received so many Howlers from The Wizarding Community questioning his leadership he claimed that anyone who mentioned that name outside of his place of work would swiftly be hexed and reprimanded to Head Auror Scrimgeour. In 1995, his discovery that despite Black's innocence he still had to fill out wheelbarrows full of paperwork sent the grown man into tears almost immediately.

For about twenty-three years, Fenrir Greyback's name had maintained a steady position on that list. The reason he had never jumped to the top is anyone's guess. Perhaps it was his excursions to other parts of Europe and The States. Perhaps it was the fact that Fenrir's name was only really known among those in the know in The Ministry and other Werewolves. But I think the most likely reason of all simply has to do with bad timing.

For instance, the day Fenrir Greyback instructed his followers to paint pro-Werewolf graffiti all over London that depicted horrific violence against Muggles, drawn in blood no less, was overshadowed by the news that Gilderoy Lockhart had "accidently" dropped the title of his new book - _Year With The Yeti_ \- in an interview. Fenrir rolled his eyes but accepted it, he WAS kind of curious to see if this one would top _Voyages With Vampires_ , his personal favorite.

The day Fenrir finished drafting his prepared speech to the gangs of London that he and his pack were attempting a hostile takeover, a man referring to himself as

"Lord Something-Or-Other" showed up and informed them that although he respected their autonomy, they now worked for him. Fenrir was irritated but secretly grateful; the idea of spending all that energy keeping the other gangs in line exhausted him. This "Lord Vagina" probably wouldn't last all that long anyway.

And worst of all, the day he broke into a Ministry employee's house, used the charming tire swing attached to a in the employee's yard tree as a toilet, drank half of the milk out of the carton before putting it back in, broke all the good china, bit the employee's son, and ran away full of triumph was supposed to be shocking and iconic. However, this heineous act was followed up with less than horror-inducing headline the next morning.

" _I Do" - "Early Nuptials Planned For Britain's Favorite Princess Bella Black and Her New Fiance, French Bon-Bon Rodolphus Lestrange Planned Upon Graduation. More Details on Page Six."_

At least, less horrifying then it is now.

But Fenrir, despite his savagery and continued support of Gilderoy Lockhart despite all of the allegations leveled against him, is far cleverer than most give him credit for. For you see, Fenrir understands the value of flying under the radar. His criminal activities and steady group of followers have only been deterred, never stopped entirely. The same cannot be said about You-Know-Who's forces, who were wiped out by Aurors under the barking commands of Barty Crouch Sr. and incapacitated left and right by members of "Dumbledumb's Prat Patrol" to the point where only a handful are still around to tell the tale. After all, what's the point at standing at the top if someone's just going to knock you off?

Sure, Fenrir could eat Lucius Malfoy's face off any time he wanted to, of course it would be great to take his anger out on all of the Death Eaters who laughed at him for his "furry little problem" but what's the point? Would only cause a bunch of undue trouble for him and his pack. Lucius and those whiny diaper babies can have their fun playing in their sandbox otherwise known as The United Kingdom, Fenrir could really care less.

For that is where this evil old Werewolf prefers to live; in the shadows, biding his time on idle things, waiting for the moon to rise once again.

So, if his life seems so full of small victories paving their way to a glorious career of debauchery and murder, what exactly is Fenrir's deepest shame?

As much as he hates himself for it because he views getting all of this negative attention as frivolous and stupid, deep down Fenrir really DOES want to be Undesirable No. 1. He's scary, dammit!

 _ **A/N:**_ Thanks for following me on this trip down Fenrir's psyche! Please review if you liked it, if you hated it be sure to let me know with a review immediately.


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